Miss Manners once again proves herself an epitome of tact and drollness in responding to a gentle reader’s seemingly valid, but misguided question on addressing invitations to same-sex couples (link via Gene). To wit, in the first paragraph, the reader suggests, among other permutations, “Mr. and Mrs.” Excuse me? Miss Manners dryly points out, with an understood “duh,” that “the act of marriage does not change people’s genders, and it may or may not change their names.” Read on:
Dear Miss Manners:
Now that same-sex marriages are upon us, how does one address an invitation to a same-sex couple? Is it “Mr. and Mrs.”? “Mr. and Mr.”? “Ms. and Ms.”? “Mrs. and Mrs.”?
If one female partner prefers the “Ms.” title while the other is more traditional, would it then be “Ms.” and “Mrs.”? How is one to know which partner is “Mr.” and which is “Mrs.” (or “Ms.”), etc., etc.?
I can see that tracking these preferences will test the limits of my personal address-book software. And how should one inquire as to the same-sex couple’s appellation preferences without seeming overly pedantic or perhaps even a bit satiric? I’m not sure the conventions to determine the answers to the above questions have been developed as yet; if not, surely they must be underway now.
So who is involved in this process? Is there an unofficial standards board responsible for couple titling? Are gays represented on this council? Are you?
At the Etiquette Mavens’ High Council we do not discuss one another’s personal lives. Other people’s of course, since they so often call upon us to arbitrate, but not our own.
Speaking of which, Miss Manners is afraid that you need basic instruction on matters related to gender, as well as some new software.
The act of marriage does not change people’s genders, and it may or may not change their names. Two gentlemen who marry would therefore each be addressed by his full name with the appropriate honorific (Mr., Dr., Colonel) unless they take the same surname, in which case they would be addressed jointly as, for example, “The Messrs. William and Harry Fitzgibbon.”
Similarly, two ladies would be addressed as “Mesdames Emily and Lucia March,” but if they had different surnames they would be addressed individually with the title each holds or prefers, if you know it, and “Ms.” if you don’t. Miss Manners may not be in the technical support department, but she knows that the simplest programs are equipped to register any title you type in.
Snap! “Messrs.” and “Mesdames” is maybe a bit much—best used when writing formal correspondence as is the reader’s query, or when the majordomo announces the arrival of you and your betrothed at the palace ball—but then again, you know me, I’m all for pomp and circumstance.
What kind of moron do you have to be to not know to stick with the usual? People’s stupidity constantly amaze me.
About the only use I can think of for this is the addressing of wedding invitations, just about the only formal invitations most people get anymore.
And there is one option that Miss Manners forgets to mention: picking up the phone and asking your gay or lesbian friend how exactly (s)he and his/her spouse wish to be addressed. What’s so hard about that?